1 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,900 Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. 2 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,420 I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing tonight? 3 00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:34,140 Fantastic. 4 00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:39,780 We've got a perfect show for you. Amy Schumer and Aziz Ansari are here. 5 00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:49,380 One of them I sleep with, and the other one, well, we just make out. 6 00:00:50,820 --> 00:00:54,600 But before all that, a lot of horrible things have happened this week. I don't 7 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,469 know why. 8 00:00:55,470 --> 00:00:56,470 I guess we're just lucky. 9 00:01:02,010 --> 00:01:06,770 Everyone is still talking about America's sweetheart, Christopher 10 00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:15,250 Yeah, I love that guy. 11 00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:22,030 Police were finally able to stop Dorner's rampage last week after they 12 00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:23,550 him in a cabin in Big Bear. 13 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:28,500 Ironically, cops were already in the area shooting up a cabin full of Asian 14 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:29,500 women. 15 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:40,060 Here's some more big news. Pope Benedict announced he's stepping down at the end 16 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:41,060 of the month. 17 00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:45,980 Yeah. When asked what he'll miss most about being Pope, Benedict replied, 18 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,640 a tough one. I love the hat. 19 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,200 But I'm going to have to go with keeping condoms out of Africa. 20 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:58,000 I mean, well, you guys have heard of AIDS, right? 21 00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:04,100 All right, everybody, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass 22 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:09,979 North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear 23 00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:15,640 bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full -scale nuclear bomb 24 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:16,960 we will drop on North Korea. 25 00:02:21,710 --> 00:02:23,090 Now, this is kind of tragic. 26 00:02:23,470 --> 00:02:27,930 Mark Balalo, one of the stars of A andE's Storage Wars, committed suicide last 27 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:31,130 week by leaving his car running with the garage door closed. 28 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:35,970 And when police opened the garage, they found, well, you'll just have to watch 29 00:02:35,970 --> 00:02:37,210 this week's Storage Wars. 30 00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:47,830 You can't stop progress. The city of Memphis is changing the name of a park 31 00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:50,570 named after Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan... 32 00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:51,940 Bedford Forest. 33 00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:55,760 Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for your applause. 34 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:06,660 The city has spent years debating a name change, but this isn't the first time 35 00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,900 Bedford Forest has left people hanging. 36 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:19,920 Let's get into this one. A gun shop in Detroit has agreed to stop selling 37 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,980 targets that look like Osama bin Laden after meeting with members of the 38 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:25,540 of American Islamic Relations. 39 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:30,900 Instead, the store will now sell targets that look like members of the Council 40 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,460 of American Islamic Relations. 41 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:45,640 And finally... I'm sure you heard about this. Last week, singer Chris Brown 42 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,580 totaled his Porsche 911 in Beverly Hills. 43 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,080 This comes as no surprise to me. 44 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,460 Chris Brown loves that car. 45 00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:58,500 Wow. 46 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,440 That was a great monologue. Let's see what they're saying about it on Twitter. 47 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,600 Speaking of awesome, fashion. 48 00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,019 It's everywhere. 49 00:04:22,260 --> 00:04:23,600 You can't get away from it. 50 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,300 But no two people ever seem to wear it the same. 51 00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:30,600 Let's take a peek at some similar looks and find out who wore it better. 52 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:37,180 First up, we've got Kate Winslet or Mariah Carey. Kate looks like the belle 53 00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:41,000 the ball, while Mariah appears to be looking for fashion in all the wrong 54 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,000 places. 55 00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:49,460 Up next, it doesn't get any easier. 56 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,860 President Barack Obama or the Virginia Tech Killer. 57 00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:07,100 President Obama looks like the belle of the ball. 58 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,600 While the Virginia Tech Killer looks like he'll be spending another night 59 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,600 in his dorm. 60 00:05:19,150 --> 00:05:24,390 Now let's look at Guy Fieri or this Tibetan monk. 61 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,230 Tibetan monk looks like the belle of the ball. 62 00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:39,090 While Guy Fieri looks like he should kill himself in public. 63 00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,420 to look like that. 64 00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,020 Here's a tough one. 65 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,980 Lucille Ball or James Holmes? 66 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,260 Lucy looks like the belle of the ball. 67 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:28,720 While James Holmes looks like he's got some splainin' to do. 68 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:05,460 Victoria's Secret is considering making a special bra specifically for breast 69 00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:06,460 cancer survivors. 70 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:10,040 It's the perfect gift for the woman who used to have everything. 71 00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:20,300 Now, obviously, cancer is a very sensitive topic. 72 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:24,780 Whenever a topic is too sensitive to joke about, we make a bunch of jokes 73 00:07:24,780 --> 00:07:27,360 it in a segment we call Sacred Cow. 74 00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:34,890 This week we chose cancer. 75 00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:38,850 Is cancer funny? I don't know. I'm not a doctor. 76 00:07:41,090 --> 00:07:43,650 So I went to go make fun of a doctor. 77 00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:48,710 What's the best part about being an oncologist? 78 00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:50,250 Always meeting new people? 79 00:07:50,610 --> 00:07:55,950 Well, I think it's being a very supportive person for someone who has a 80 00:07:55,950 --> 00:07:56,950 -threatening illness. 81 00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:59,350 I guess even if you have a patient you don't like, you never really get the 82 00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:00,390 chance to get sick of them. 83 00:08:01,710 --> 00:08:03,590 What's the most amusing cancer? 84 00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:08,310 Well, it's a very serious topic that we're talking about. I would have said 85 00:08:08,310 --> 00:08:09,310 cancer. 86 00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:12,730 Yes, I did. I said it. 87 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:18,130 Huh. What's worse, prostate cancer or the test for prostate cancer? 88 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:19,790 Prostate cancer. 89 00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:20,949 Wrong again. 90 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:21,950 Okay. It's okay. 91 00:08:22,430 --> 00:08:23,289 Don't be nervous. 92 00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:27,190 Let's role play. Okay. Tell me that I have cancer. 93 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,750 Anthony. 94 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,720 The test showed that you have cancer. You have cancer. 95 00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:37,840 No, you have cancer. You do. I think you're wrong. I just looked at the 96 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:39,780 You're riddled with cancer. 97 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:46,260 Now, doctor, are you actively searching for the cure for cancer right now? Well, 98 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:50,720 not actively, but I spend all day long trying to get them cured of their 99 00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:57,900 Not actively looking for the cure for cancer. 100 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,040 Just put that on your Yelp review. 101 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:07,860 Wasting a cancer doctor's time sure was fun, but now it's time to kick it up to 102 00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:11,080 stage four by doing stand -ups for a cancer support group. 103 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,300 How many cancer patients take the screw in a light bulb? 104 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:15,619 How many? 105 00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:19,060 Twelve. One to do it and eleven to say, oh, so inspiring. 106 00:09:21,740 --> 00:09:26,180 A guy with cancer goes to the hottest nightclub in Hollywood, walks up to the 107 00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:27,420 door, the doorman says, hey, you. 108 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,340 Get out of here. You can't come in my club. 109 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,900 Guy says, you don't understand. I have cancer. 110 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,080 Dormant says, yeah, I know, but you're also Persian. 111 00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:39,800 What is black and white that will be red in six weeks? 112 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,000 Your will. 113 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,420 So what is your name? 114 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:46,680 My name is Chris. 115 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,420 Chris, what type of cancer do you have? 116 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:53,440 It's a brain cancer. It's called oligodendroestrocytoma. 117 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,020 And can you spell that? 118 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:56,900 I doubt it. 119 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,040 Could you spell it before you had brain cancer? 120 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:01,879 Back of row. 121 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:02,880 Do you have cancer? 122 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:04,420 Actually, start chemo Tuesday. 123 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:05,920 Oh, my God. Well, you know what they say. 124 00:10:06,460 --> 00:10:08,060 Chemo money, chemo problems. 125 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,640 What type of cancer? 126 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,740 Large, granular, lymphocytic leukemia. 127 00:10:13,940 --> 00:10:16,540 Why can't they just give them better names? I know. I think that's the 128 00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:19,360 part of having what you have. I know. Having to remember all that stuff. 129 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:20,839 That's tough. 130 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,020 Well, best of luck to you. Best of luck to all of you. 131 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,120 That was sarcastic. 132 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,480 That was great, and no harm done. 133 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,200 Plus, guess what? It's time for panel. 134 00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:39,480 The panel that's just like Chelsea lately, only better. Because are you 135 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,480 kidding me? 136 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:46,500 Please welcome from NBC's Parks and Rec, the incredibly famous Aziz Ansari. 137 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:56,930 And... from her recent Comedy Central special, Mostly Sex Stuff, my favorite, 138 00:10:57,030 --> 00:10:58,070 Amy Schumer. 139 00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:03,690 All right, right? 140 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,730 Thank you so much for being here, guys. 141 00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:10,530 Aziz, I just had a great interview with you. You had one of my favorite quotes 142 00:11:10,530 --> 00:11:11,550 ever I want to ask you about. 143 00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:15,710 I could do a TED Talk on dick photos after all the research I've done. 144 00:11:17,199 --> 00:11:18,199 It's true. 145 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:23,740 On my last tour, I had a bit about dick photos, and I would do a survey. 146 00:11:23,940 --> 00:11:26,420 Like, I'll do it here. Clap if you're a woman in the audience. 147 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:29,880 That's a great survey. 148 00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:33,780 Okay. Now, clap if a guy has sent you a dick photo before. 149 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:38,640 Isn't that way higher than you thought it would be? 150 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,200 It's that high everywhere. 151 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:45,320 I thought it'd be like 30%. It's like 70%. Yeah. 152 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:46,840 Everywhere. 153 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,580 Now clock it was Aziz that sent you the photo. 154 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:58,780 Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the 155 00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:00,980 awful news stories, this one's my favorite. 156 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,380 Last week there was a maniac cop loose in Los Angeles. Actually, there are 157 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:07,380 thousands. 158 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,700 But only Christopher Dorner was crazy enough to release a rambling manifesto. 159 00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:17,970 And like most manifestos, his biggest vendetta was against the comma. 160 00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:22,150 Did you guys read the manifesto? 161 00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:26,010 I did. Do you check it out? It's like the longest thing I've ever read in my 162 00:12:26,010 --> 00:12:28,990 life. Yeah, it was like a page, page and a half. Yeah. 163 00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:30,590 Yeah. 164 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,750 Oh, sorry Mensa members in the audience today. 165 00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:38,210 I wonder if he like showed it to some friends before and he was like, what do 166 00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:39,990 you think about this? Do you think there's any parts I could lose? 167 00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:43,890 I think it's too long right now. Do you have any edits? 168 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:47,370 They're like, no, man, it's good. It's all good. I got to say, other than the 169 00:12:47,370 --> 00:12:50,330 murdering and all that stuff and the stuff up top, when he gets to, like, the 170 00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:52,950 shows and stuff, I'm kind of like, doesn't seem like a bad dude. I don't 171 00:12:53,010 --> 00:12:58,750 Yeah. I understand it. Like, we all had a cop fantasy, you know, where, like, a 172 00:12:58,750 --> 00:13:02,950 cop, like, he pulls you over and you're really mad, but then, like, he just kind 173 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:06,310 of, like, starts taking off his uniform, slow to a Boyz II Men song. 174 00:13:08,650 --> 00:13:10,650 And then he brushes your hair out of your face. 175 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:14,750 Amy, Amy, Amy. What's up? You're on my TV show. You need to focus up. 176 00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:16,010 Oh, sorry. 177 00:13:16,590 --> 00:13:21,990 Up next is the worst, worst thing of the week. It's a terrible story, just like 178 00:13:21,990 --> 00:13:23,450 the last one, only worse. 179 00:13:24,610 --> 00:13:29,110 The former Navy SEAL who killed Osama bin Laden is now divorced, broke, 180 00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:32,030 unemployed, and the government doesn't care. 181 00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:35,770 But on the plus side, he hasn't killed himself yet. 182 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:42,620 That is so... I did not know that. Like, that is totally depressing. 183 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,220 But it's kind of ironic, because he's going to wind up, you know, with, like, 184 00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:53,140 homeless beard and, like, an army jacket, like, living under a bridge. 185 00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:59,080 of like... I read that article, the interview with him, and one thing that's 186 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,620 interesting is, like, they were talking about when they were going on the raid 187 00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,600 and stuff, and whenever they talked about Osama bin Laden, they always... 188 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,200 still say... They say, Osama bin Laden. 189 00:14:07,790 --> 00:14:12,130 It seems so pretentious. It makes me think of talking to one of them and 190 00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:15,890 like, yeah, so I heard you guys got Osama bin Laden. Actually, it's Osama 191 00:14:15,890 --> 00:14:17,150 Laden, but yeah. 192 00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:19,970 Sorry guys, I actually met him. 193 00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:24,070 You don't know him like I know him. 194 00:14:24,370 --> 00:14:26,250 He's different when he's not around his friends. 195 00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:32,270 If he wants a job, he can shoot all over my bearded man in a cave anytime. 196 00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:41,000 I thought of the best job for him. Okay. 197 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,720 Amy, let's do a little role play. Hey, I'm going to this fun club later. Do you 198 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:46,399 want to come? 199 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,400 Oh, I don't know. 200 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,020 What if I told you the guy that killed Osama Bin Laden is DJing tonight? 201 00:14:51,220 --> 00:14:51,999 Would you be interested? 202 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000 What? 203 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:54,720 Could you get us on the list? 204 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,000 Yes, of course. 205 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,040 Okay. 206 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:03,100 Oh, me so panel. Me panel long time. We'll be right back with more panel. 207 00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:19,100 Welcome back, kids. Is that panel in your pants, or are you just panel to see 208 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,040 me? It's time for more panel. 209 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:25,200 Let's continue with the JonBenet Ramsey Memorial Parenting segment. 210 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,580 Where children are the future, but parents are the stars. 211 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:40,200 Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the Aryan Nation. 212 00:15:40,830 --> 00:15:45,630 A 58 -year -old woman is under arrest for passing her son oxycodone in prison 213 00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:47,390 via an open -mouth kiss. 214 00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:49,290 Oh, no! 215 00:15:50,790 --> 00:15:52,930 Oof. They really do look a lot alike. 216 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:58,930 As a result, the prisoner lost conjugal visits with his mother. 217 00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:06,070 Looks like they took the photo right after they did it. Like, the face... 218 00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,670 over here. Let's snap a photo. 219 00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:12,390 Like, if you just showed me those photos and you're like, what do those people 220 00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:15,910 do? I'd be like, it kind of looks like the woman just made out with her son and 221 00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:17,190 plastered him oxycodone, maybe? 222 00:16:18,350 --> 00:16:22,170 You know what? This makes me mad. My mom never put out. 223 00:16:22,790 --> 00:16:24,970 Not even once. 224 00:16:26,530 --> 00:16:29,310 And now it's time for Latino Voices. 225 00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:39,190 Have you been watching season two of Girls? 226 00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,310 The worst is the worst. 227 00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:49,330 What do you think of the season so far? 228 00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:52,250 And where do you see Hannah going in the next few episodes? 229 00:16:57,590 --> 00:17:00,030 Okay, so like, I really enjoy season one. 230 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,020 But I thought Brian Williams' daughter seemed like a bitch, but it turns out 231 00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:10,839 she's not so bad. I don't know. What do you think? 232 00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:12,099 She seems okay. 233 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:13,800 Indeed. 234 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:18,880 Can you give me directions to the airport from here? 235 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,800 I would just go straight down La Cienega. 236 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,080 All the way down, as long as there's not a lot of traffic. 237 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,320 There's a nice in -and -out right near LAX. 238 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,080 And that was Latino Voice. 239 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:50,260 Now let's wrap this baby up and throw it in the river. It's time for defending 240 00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:51,260 your tweet. 241 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:56,320 You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and tell you to defend it in front of 242 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,320 all these people. 243 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:03,220 Amy, on August 28th, you tweeted, Ladies, surprise your guy. Get a temp 244 00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:06,680 of his name on your stomach and don't let him see it until he finishes that. 245 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:11,620 Hashtag interesting. 246 00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,240 Amy, defend your tweet. 247 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:20,200 In my defense, I was in a really great place in my life. 248 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:26,720 And I was just riddled with great ideas and lousy with clarity. 249 00:18:30,639 --> 00:18:33,300 Stand by this great idea. 250 00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:35,680 That's a strong defense. 251 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,200 I wouldn't have expected anything less. 252 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,720 Aziz, on December 9th, you tweeted the following. 253 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:48,080 Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, 254 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:52,540 tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise, 255 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:53,540 tortoise. 256 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,460 Aziz, defend your tweet. 257 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,440 I don't. 258 00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:00,910 know exactly what the situation was. 259 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:07,730 But I'm going to guess I just ate a really delicious portion. 260 00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:12,930 Wow. 261 00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:14,029 Great defense. 262 00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,030 That's a great defense. 263 00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:21,490 If there's anyone here from the Hallmark channel that wants to option that story 264 00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:24,210 for an inspirational film, please. Oh, there are. 265 00:19:24,410 --> 00:19:25,430 There are people like that here. 266 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,520 Thank you so much for being here tonight, guys. It's my first show. 267 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:36,760 Watch Disease on Parks and Rec Thursday nights at 8 .30. And look out for Amy's 268 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:42,060 hilarious new series, Inside Amy Schumer, premiering April 30th right 269 00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:43,060 Comedy Central. 270 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,460 We'll be right back with the best moments from tonight's show. 271 00:20:01,350 --> 00:20:04,370 Well, that was our first show and we nailed it. 272 00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:09,590 Thanks to Amy Schumer and Aziz Ansari. You can see me live at the Mirage in Las 273 00:20:09,590 --> 00:20:14,590 Vegas on February 23rd and follow me on Twitter at Anthony Jeselnik. And at the 274 00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:19,130 show blog, cc .com slash Jeselnik. We'll see you guys next week, but before we 275 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:22,310 go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show. 276 00:20:25,330 --> 00:20:26,590 Women be shopping. 277 00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:29,350 Women be shopping. 278 00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:33,140 Women be shopping! 279 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,140 Oh, blood. 280 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:47,520 Floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, 281 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,700 Ah, memories. 282 00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:52,140 Night, kids. Go read a book. 283 00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:11,170 If someone comes to you with lung cancer after years of smoking cigarettes, are 284 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,950 you ever just like, duh, duh, 285 00:21:15,130 --> 00:21:16,530 duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh? 286 00:21:17,430 --> 00:21:19,350 You ever do that? No, I don't do that. 287 00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:20,870 Duh.